Just a Pause to Say Farewell

Sigh.
I hate this shit.
Saying Goodbye to someone I love sucks.

My selfishness is my dominate characteristic I think. I try to keep it in check but it manifests itself in a seemingly generous manner. That is part of the mystery that is me. I have most of you completely fooled.

I know that Mike leaving the show is good for him. The man deserves to be happy for the love of god. He will go home, tinker in his house, kill rattle snakes that sneak in, and enjoy shaking his fists at the people who inevitably will move into that very desolate and secluded area he calls home, once the Home Depot goes up.

His happiness is consolation for my own sadness at his departure. Whenever I say goodbye to people I care about, I always wonder when I will see them again. This puts panic and fear into my soul. As someone who has envisioned the end of it all since I was 11 (The movie The Day After scarred me for life) this is the root of my issue with goodbyes. It's why I cry.
Isn't that freakish? I get all upset because I think I will die and this is it for me and this friend. good Lord. And don't tell me to get therapy, I already have and while other things changed, that part of my personality has remained strongly intact.
As I have gotten older though, I have found this feeling of painc doesn't last as long as it used to. Maybe because I have been around the bend enough times to know, eventually, the cool people always meet up again.

I stood outside on the loading dock today, right after Mike left and had myself a decent cry. I was looking at the back of the truck that has our Spamalot logo on it and started thinking about past goodbyes with my people. It is part of the job we do out here to say hello and goodbye all the time. So people will come and go. Hell, even I come and go. It's not so much the amount of time you spend with the people you love, but that you appreciate it - and consequently- them. When I walked inside, and onto the deck, I felt really alone. Terribly alone, and vulnerable. I could actually see myself bolting. But then Nate started making goofy faces at me and Francesca asked me what I was doing tomorrow on my first day off in 5 weeks.

Suddenly that feeling of panic and fear went away. I felt my body relax. And I let Mike go a little. You can't keep someone with you just because you are afraid of what it will be like without them. You have to let them move on. That's the job of being a good friend. Letting them go when all you want to do is beg them to stay.

Course the lump in my throat is still there. Waiting. I better not go out tonight and drink. I will wind up sitting at the bar with mascara running down my face, looking like yesterdays trash.

So long for now Mike. I love you loads. I will miss you. A lot.



Mike with his dogs, Vanna and Lavoy about a year ago when I went out to visit Goat Mountain. Love those dogs.




this was on the Producers Tour. Big gag in the show was to have this actor stuff his crotchal region with an enormous sock.
Mike is holding the stuffed sock and looking really happy to ablige. giggles.




this was yesterday at breakfast. He was so worried they were going to take the food away. LOL. That was really funny. The man is ALWAYS hungry. God I just love the pants off him.




tee hee. I snuck this shot on the bus.




My old boss and my new boss singing along to the Carpenters' version of the Beatles "Ticket to Ride". LOL.