アジア食糧はここに吸う!

That's Japanese for "The Asian food sucks here!"

Tampa Florida- Week One

Well, ok
Here we go.
The first official Spamalot TravelBlog entry. That entry last week, was just me blowing off some steam. Good story though.
Sue never came back to work by the way. She never called anyone, never came to pick up her check. There was a rumor going around that she was told not to come back. Completely untrue. Mike called her and emailed her but she never got back to him. There has to be truly something wrong with her to just leave in that manner. Political Suicide. Bless her.
The week here in Tampa was pretty good. I am learning more all the time and so many of the actors have expressed their gratitude, which I find funny. I am just doing my job. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just my gig. I think they have kicked puppy syndrome. Sweet of them though. Everytime they get really vocal about it, I shush them. There are people on this tour who don't like me just because I replaced their friend. I'll win them over. If not with my work ethic, than with my sparkling personality.
LOL. I kill me.

The show is pretty good. I am not a big Monty Python fan, so some of it I just shrug at, but the audience just loves it. There are moments in it that I think are weak. Some transitions from scene to scene are kinda dead However, there are a few points that are flat out hilarious. Overall it is certainly a decent bit of entertainment, and is sold out constantly. A little job security never hurt anyone.

The crew here is pretty good, I hafta say. We did have one girl, who on the second night, disappeared for the last half hour of the show. Her name is Crystal and she is kinda dingy to begin with, but to space out half of Act II with the excuse of (and I quote) "I had an emergency on the phone."
Heh??
An emergency on the phone.
#1 -What the hell are you doing answering your cell on deck?
#2 -I am so sure you were on the phone that whole time. I am sure it wasn't the perscription drugs you were on when I came to town with the Producers 2 years ago. I remember you.....

Poor Crystal. Mike was willing to let it slide but the union head at the theater was not. She was fired and replced the next day - with a very capable and on it girl. So we traded up!

The week dragged along. I feel like I have been just dragged through the sludge this week. By Sunday night I was so exhausted I crashed with the TV and the lights on in my hotel room.

Today though, (Monday) was FANTASTIC! I was going to just stay in bed and try to recover from last week, but around noon I got up and decided to go horseback riding. I don't know what it is, but I completely relax when I am on a horse out in the woods. I really love it.
In The Breeze Ranch is over 300 wooded acres of forest, but not forest like I am used to. It is Florida forest, so the ground is all sandy with a mix of all kinds of trees. At times the trail got so narrow bushes and trees were scraping my legs, which was cool. We went through 3 creeks, splashing across and up some pretty steep banks. One of the best trails I have ever been on.
When I drove up and opened my car door I was greeted by this pack of Austrailian Shepards. They practically got in the front seat with me. I loved those dogs. They were hilarious. They corraled me up the walk and into the main building.
The trail took about an hour and a half, led by this guide named Don. When the counter lady told me I would be out with a cowboy named Don all by myself, my mind just ran with that.
Cowboy Don
Don the Cowboy
hmmmmm.....( cue dream sequence music and fuzzy camera lighting)
I pictured a 40 something Marlboro man with a sexy black hat and tight jeans, all sullen and hot.
"Howdy Ma'am"
"Cowboy Don, my stirrups are too short, would you lengthen them for me?" Bats eyelashes

LOL. Why do things never happen the way you want?
Don was about 60. Don chewed something that required constant spitting. Don was not sullen and hot. My hopes and dreams dashed in an instant. Don also would not shut up. I don't need a lot of chit chat on a ride. In fact I prefer it silent so I can just listen to my horse and the sounds of wherever I am. So he was jabbering small talk the whole time. I lost count of how many times I had to politely laugh.
Sometimes though, he came out with some decent stories about people who came out on the trail who were afraid of horses and nature. Why would you go to a ranch if you were scared of horses and nature?? I guess one lady thought there were men in the trees watching her. I said I thought she might have had other problems. That went right over ol' Don's head.

The ride was just beautiful and despite the never ending flapping of Don's gums, was exactly what I needed to feel relaxed. It really was great. I think this might become the Horseback Riding Tour.
We got back to the barn and the lady who ran the place came out. Because I was the only one who had come all day, she showed me around the ranch and then introduced me to all the horses. I even got to play with the babies. The one in the picture is only 2 weeks old. That was so much fun!!! They have balls they kick around and they just love to play. I had a blast. I was at that ranch for over 3 hours.

So now I am back in my hotel room and getting ready to watch 24. All in all, a damn good day off.
I feel ready to embark on week 2.
Hope everyone is well and happy!

My horse Velvet.




The Welcoming Committee




Don and his horse's ass.




Just a wee one.

Thrown to the Wolves - Tampa, Florida

An unbelievable day.
I usually wait to write about the events of a city, but I know if I wait the intenseness of this day will be lost. So I have to write it down now.

So I left my home last Saturday. Arrived in Ft lauderdale to start learning my new job. It was like being thrown into a pool of cold water. Shocking, jarring and somewhat overwhelming. I am replacing a woman who was my boss on Hairspray. She has never liked me. I have NO idea why and I am sure the fact that I was hired to replace her, wasn't exactly palatable. I knew this going into the gig and was determined, as I was when we worked together last, to be as respectful as I could and just make it work. I have been thinking I was doing pretty well. I followed her for one show and then on the second show starting doing some cues and assisting during load out.
That was my first 2 days.

She had the day off yesterday (Monday) because there was no show (we had moved on to Tampa) , and I just helped Mike (my boss and friend) and Jaki (my good good buddy, who is his 1st assistant) set up the dressing rooms. No biggie. The biggest day of a new city is Tuesday. Tuesday is when the Quick Change Booths on the stage are set up, we train the dressers, and we actually do the first show. Tuesday, is always the hardest day. Even when you know the show like the back of your hand, when Tuesday is over, your feet ache terribly, and your brain hurts from thinking so hard. As Mike has always said "Tuesdays are hard."

This Tuesday was supposed to be me helping set up the booths, and then following Sue (who I am replacing) watching her train people, and assisting in the running of the show. I was expecting a really valuable day of learning. Well I got it, but not the way it was supposed to have gone down.

I arrived to the theater early, like I do. I was standing outside smoking. YES SMOKING. And Mike comes up to me and asks me how I am feeling. I said fairly well.
"That's good because Sue called in sick today. She won't be in at all."

My jaw hit the pavement. Not in? Sick? I was stunned. She was throwing me to the wolves. She called in on my first Tuesday. That bitch. I don't care how "sick" she was, she knew FULL well that calling in sick was going to put me on a precipice. I have barely been with this show 2 DAYS!!. There is no way for me to express to you what an OBVIOUS show of hate this was. I don't care how much I disliked someone or how sick I was, I would have been there. Period. I have no idea how she can even look herself in the mirror after doing this to me. Flat out evil. I have never in my life had anyone try to sabotage me like that.
Those were all the thoughts running in my head for the first 15 minutes. OK longer than that. But then it was pretty much, That Bitch, up until show time.
Thank God I take notes. Thank God I demanded doing the hardest quick changes myself on Sunday night. I was shitting myself. Mike and Jak were so great. They kept reassuring me it would be fine. THAT BITCH. My eyes could have bleeding and I would have been there.

But I just did what I do. I set up the booth as close as it had been in the last city. I walked though the changes that I knew with the dressers, and just kept rereading my notes.

At lunch, Jaki and I went to go grab something to bring back to the theater to eat. Waiting online at Quizno's I just kept thinking about the show and tried to remember everything I had seen. I got my Honey Chicken Bourbon (not enough Bourbon) and walked back to Jaki's rental car. Still thinking about the show, I crossed the street and saw these little flasher lights on the side mirror on the passenger door. Funny. I didn't remember those being there. I opened the door and went to get in the car and this total stranger is in the driver's seat! She starts shaking her hand "NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!!"
I GOT INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S CAR!!!!!
Humiliation.
"Oh My God. I am sooo sorry!" I quickly shut the door and then I looked up at Jaki standing outside her car, 2 ahead of the one I was next to.
Is it really called laughing when there is no sound coming out of someone's mouth?
She was doubled over, no sound coming out of her mouth, tears streaming down her face. I started to laugh on the way to her car. The kicker: Jaki's car is White. The car I got into was Black. LOLOLOL. Jaki asked me later if she smelled like pee. She literally peed her pants laughing so hard.

The hives started to pop out somewhere around half hour. These little tiny pimples broke out on the nerve lines in my face. I wish I could sit here and give you a blow by blow of what happened during the show. Honestly I can't remember a thing. All I know is it went extremely well. Everyone was so happy with me.

Sue actually did me a great favor. By calling in sick, she paved the way for me to be accepted into this group faster, I learned more doing the show on the fly all by myself than I ever would have trailing along behind her as she fumbled through another Tuesday Night. The actor's were ecstatic, stage management actually came up to me and thanked me for taking the job, Mike was happy, and most importantly, I was able to really see my own value. It is hard after only 2 days to think you are of any use yet.

So I don't have any stories yet of seeing the world's largest chair, or pictures of a Bull Dog Beauty Contest. I only have a classic tale of good conquering evil.

It's the Last Midnight

OK I am kinda freakin.
Last Night
tomorrow my whole life changes

no Jim
no Kricka



no mr man










no brooklyn











I think I just puked in my mouth a little.

The Only Borough

For those of you who don't know, I got a new road gig. I am going out on the Spamalot First National Tour. It's all very groovy and all and I am so excited about hitting the highway again, but it does come at a price. The last time I went out Jim and I talked and decided that the next time I got a big job, I would move out of our awesome 3 bedroom apartment that we pay less than anyone I know who has a studio. Less than a week ago I got the job. In 2 days I am gone.
Now of course I will come back and pack it out, I am not such a bitch that I would screw over one of my best friends and expect him to be able to pay for the bills and all the utilities with no notice, and besides who can pack up and store ten years of living in a week? Don't answer that. I am sure some of you could, but anyone who has seen my room knows, the photos alone are going to take a week.

I remember when I first moved to NYC. It was ten years ago, I was 27, Vegas had just kicked me in the teeth, and I thought I was so old. Old and wise at the ripe age of 27. What a joke. It kills me when I think about how young I really was then. I suppose when I am 75 I will scoff at the innocence of me at 37.
Anyway I moved here in Feb of '97. At that point there was this 5 block radius of people I went to college or toured with who lived in Park Slope. It was so great. It is funny how most people are thrust into adulthood at some point. There are people who at 18 immediately join the work force, start a family, and are old at 30. Then there are people who go to college and at 23 get married and start a family and join the race to the American Dream. Even in this vast urban jungle of NYC, I was surrounded by people I knew and loved dearly - a family of sorts. That has always been the story for me. I have sort of been lulled into adulthood, thinking I was there all along but really was in this very safe enviornment. Aside from Vegas of course. But that is another story. This is my Brooklyn ode.

Will I ever come back? If you had asked me that 4 days ago I would have said no, that this was it. As the week has gone on, however, I have decided to leave it open. I am not going to determine that until I am out of debt and have an assload of money in the bank. It is hard after being so happy here, to just in one moment, decide that it is over. I am not breaking up with NYC. I love NYC. I adore Brooklyn. Hell I have enough garments with BROOKLYN on them, that I could go a full week without doubling. But without a doubt this is the end of an era. One of those big thick markers in a timeline. Like College, Newport, Nebraska, and Vegas, Brooklyn has been a time of major influence in the overall scheme of who I am, or rather, who I will end up being. Ten years of being surrounded by almost all of my best friends. I feel like I grew up here. Not in the went to grade school kind of grew up, but the I really am a responsible functioning adult, grown up.

I could go on and on and on, but I'm not. However there are a few stand out moments that I believe need mentioning.

10. Abracadabra - The Costume/Novelty/Magic/Sex shop that I worked at when I first came to town. I have promised certain people that at some point, when I have nothing else to write about I will take a blog day to write that one out. (and the story of me blowing up a sex toy on CNN)
9. Once Upon a Mattress - My first full time Broadway job. As well as my first Broadway closing 3 weeks later. And of course seeing one of my good friends on a braodway stage for the first time. I cried like a girl.
8. Steinhof - the bar around the corner from my place. I should have a bronze plaque placed on a stool or something.
7. U2 at the Garden - Finally. All the way down front on the floor, Edge side, with Jim and Joe in the seats 2 sections up. my brother Dave and his friend Chris 2 sections up, Kricka by my side. Bono and Edge doing the famous Bullfight RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. I still have those phone messages saved guys. And I took that photo people. For real. I did. Ask kricka.
6. The US Open. I'll help Andy find his mojo. And the Farewell Andre moment will live forever in my mind. I am so glad I got to see him play one last time.
5. The opening night party of Music Man - I somehow scored all these tickets from people and I brought my own party consisting of Jim, Rhonda, Kricka, and Tim. Hilarious.
4. Working my first Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I am sorry but there is nothing like seeing the profile of a giant Bullwinkle balloon floating in between the tall buildings and lights of Times Square.
3. The roof of my apartment building and all the moments that go along with that.
2. 9/11. Now I know this was seeming to be a happy list, but I would be a big fat liar If I left it off.
1. The Best 30th Birthday party I think anyone has ever ever had. - 2 hour night time cruise around NYC harbor with 40 of my favorite people. Classic.

Anyhow. I am having a party tonight at Steinhof. A going away party. It is a definite possiblity that I will never live here again. I dunno. But there is no doubt in my mind that I will always look back on THIS period as the best of my life. It's all about the people, people.

Much love to my urban tribe and you know who you are.

On a good note: The One that started it all THE TRAVELOGUE will be back in full swing once I hit the road. So check back to hear all about the wacky people and crazy things I see out there!!!

Smoker's Lament

Well it's the new year. With that comes the inevitable resolution or two. This year I decided to quit smoking.

Yes it is true.

I wish smoking wasn't so damn bad for you. The only reason I am giving it up is because I would like to live until I am 80 without having to carry around a cumbersome oxygen tank. I know I should have some higher purpose or something, but that is really the sum of it. Not that it smells up my clothes (I don't care) or your breath (I eat lots and lots of Altoids) or your hair, but because I just wanna live a healthier life.

grrrrrrrrrrr.

So it has only been a couple of days and I am raging like mad. I had an altercation with my ipod and you would have thought I was a new mother dealing with post partem depression. I had to put the ipod down and go in to the next room or I would have shaken it to death.

Even now, as I type this I can feel an enormous rage in me. I could kill something.

It is funny how people react to you making such a drastic change. Some people, usually ex-smokers in this case, are so supportive. Almost too supportive. They want to help you anyway they can, and it starts to feel smothering. Then there are the people who don't want you to succeed. They don't want you to better yourself because then they have to better themselves, which they don't so they wind up resenting you for doing it. These are the people who wave cigerettes in front of your face or when you tell them you are quitting say "yeah, right."

These people bug the shit out of me and they are certainly not very good friends. How can you be friends with someone when you want them to fail?

I am so full of hate right now I think I should be in a padded cell somewhere that people and electronics can be safe from me. My computer could be crushed at any second.

hatehatehatehatehatehate.

Oh yeah, Happy New Year Everyone.